It's all right. You just reminded me of a quote from Buddha, actually — "It's better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours, and it cannot be taken from you."
Maybe this is out of line of me, but — it seems like what you have is a problem with no good solution. One possible way of addressing it is to try to find another solution. But maybe there's something to the idea of trying to change the problem?
You mentioned being defined by these fears, and I understand that. But I suppose the question I'm trying to ask is, what is it about them that keeps you from moving on?
im not sure how to conquer them there are certain things i cant look at without jumping or freezing which is dumb and i hate it but i guess mainly even though i would like to conquer myself im not sure where to start is step one acknowledging how awful that all was because i checked that off but i dont know what step two is even though i talk about looking yourself in the eyes i dont think its me i have to look in the face and accept and acknowledge there are some things about it that ill never have answers to and theres someone ill never be able to speak to about any of it and thats maybe the person i most need to say things to but even if i did that im not sure what would come next
maybe i should think of what id say if i could though ive never really bothered to consider it
I understand, believe me. There are some things that bother me the same way; I've gotten good at hiding them, but that doesn't mean they're not still there.
Here's another quote for you, though — "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." Maybe conquering yourself doesn't mean not being afraid, not jumping, not freezing. Maybe it's just holding out that one minute more and being able to say all right, this terrifies me, but now what?
You've acknowledged how awful it was. It's a part of you that won't go away. But I think there are quite a few more steps you need to go before you make it to "accept and acknowledge".
Maybe the next step is just to try putting into words the way that it makes you feel. Maybe the first step to confronting yourself is to try to better know yourself.
I think...there's only so much control you can have or hope to exercise over the situation. You can't categorically prevent their hallucinomemories, and you'll run yourself ragged trying to manage every aspect of their lives to keep from triggering them.
Of all the people you mentioned, who are you most afraid will find out the things you don't want them to find out?
all of them but for different reasons like i said i dont trust the trolls entirely rn
but the other two
id like to maybe tell them on my own someday or id like to think maybe someday ill be capable of that and i dont want to do it like i did the last two times in panic because i had no other options
but maybe because i want to and i dont want that to be taken away from me maybe
You could try writing them a letter, to begin with. You might find it easier to put it down on paper, where you can throw it out and edit it as many times as you want before you reach a finished product.
And who knows? Maybe at some point in the future when you're ready, you'll go back in time and leave it somewhere for them to find in the present.
Now I'm furious that their building has been replaced by a waffle house so I can't storm it and figure out where they're keeping all these animals before they MAIL THEM to people.
tbh i dont think they have some like vault of all these items or anything my best guess is that like us and our memories those are things that kind of boomerang back or that they have to grab when they can uncontrolled? because like ill buy they know about our lives and can gauge what sort of things will come back but changes of things like those fruits i think maybe its just an effect of idk whatever reconstruction thing theyre doing so i think maybe she just straight up didnt exist here until she did ?
no subject
Maybe this is out of line of me, but — it seems like what you have is a problem with no good solution. One possible way of addressing it is to try to find another solution. But maybe there's something to the idea of trying to change the problem?
You mentioned being defined by these fears, and I understand that. But I suppose the question I'm trying to ask is, what is it about them that keeps you from moving on?
no subject
there are certain things i cant look at without jumping or freezing
which is dumb and i hate it
but i guess mainly
even though i would like to conquer myself
im not sure where to start
is step one acknowledging how awful that all was because i checked that off
but i dont know what step two is
even though i talk about looking yourself in the eyes
i dont think its me i have to look in the face and accept and acknowledge
there are some things about it
that ill never have answers to
and theres someone ill never be able to speak to
about any of it
and thats maybe the person i most need to say things to
but even if i did that im not sure what would come next
maybe i should think of what id say if i could though
ive never really bothered to consider it
no subject
Here's another quote for you, though — "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." Maybe conquering yourself doesn't mean not being afraid, not jumping, not freezing. Maybe it's just holding out that one minute more and being able to say all right, this terrifies me, but now what?
You've acknowledged how awful it was. It's a part of you that won't go away. But I think there are quite a few more steps you need to go before you make it to "accept and acknowledge".
Maybe the next step is just to try putting into words the way that it makes you feel. Maybe the first step to confronting yourself is to try to better know yourself.
no subject
if im like
working on the thing
1/2
no subject
I think...there's only so much control you can have or hope to exercise over the situation. You can't categorically prevent their hallucinomemories, and you'll run yourself ragged trying to manage every aspect of their lives to keep from triggering them.
Of all the people you mentioned, who are you most afraid will find out the things you don't want them to find out?
no subject
like i said i dont trust the trolls entirely rn
but the other two
id like
to maybe tell them on my own someday
or id like to think maybe someday ill be capable of that
and i dont want to do it like i did the last two times
in panic
because i had no other options
but maybe because i want to
and i dont want that to be taken away from me
maybe
2/2
i can only freeze ppl for 5 minutes tho)
no subject
And who knows? Maybe at some point in the future when you're ready, you'll go back in time and leave it somewhere for them to find in the present.
no subject
i can only range about a week back and forth rn
and i dont know if ill be ready then
but
maybe itd help to say some of the things ive said to you
i dont really know
i kind of wish i didnt have any of these memories so i wasnt obligated to cut myself open for everyone to see
but i do
so i will
writing the world stuff down would be easier than saying it out loud though
mostly because
its bullshit and confusing
no subject
It might not help keep people from remembering things. But it'd help keep you safe from having to confront them before you're ready to.
no subject
thanks
if you ever want me to freeze time for you
i can
for five minutes but
like if you want
and thats not a bad point
thanks for talking to me carmen
i think i kind of know what i want to at least try to do now
no subject
(I have no intention of falling in but it never hurts to be prepared.)
You're feeling at least a little better, then? Less anxious?
no subject
but i think maybe through text
because thats always a little easier
i do better with escape routes
no subject
Would you like to borrow Bustopher Jones for moral support?
no subject
here
[ have a picture of a mutant kitten ]
no subject
does it have four eyes
no subject
anyway isnt she the cutest little mutant monstrosity ever
no subject
did they send you a mutant cat in the mail
no subject
but we both remember her
my sister does too
so
probably they sent us a mutant cat
no subject
no subject
i dont think theyre keeping them anywhere
no subject
no subject
vault of all these items or anything
my best guess is that like us and our memories
those are things that kind of boomerang back
or that they have to grab when they can uncontrolled?
because like
ill buy they know about our lives
and can gauge what sort of things will come back
but changes of things like those fruits
i think maybe its just an effect of
idk
whatever reconstruction thing theyre doing
so i think maybe she just straight up didnt exist here
until she did
?
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
look the openness scale is hinata > dave > kirigiri always
reasons i love kirigiri: this
no one comes close to her on the cagey asshole scale
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)