IC Inbox | recolle

[doitrockapella]

Carmen Sandiego

"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." —Winston Churchill

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[parodeity]

i dont know
i only know what id do
which is hit abscond as fast as possible and avoid them probably forever
because i might not know a lot
but i know im not
ready for that
i talked about it two times
with two different people
and i wasnt entirely ready to tell them that stuff about me either
i panicked both times
and id like
to be in control of how people find out for once
or if they do at all
because selfishly i want the option to just
not?
until i maybe have time to figure it out on my own
but i dont think its stuff i can figure out in a timeframe theyre ok with
because id need more than sixteen years
probably

the thing is its an unfair concern
for the two people most in question
because im not for sure how much they know
about me
in the other life
and its possible im blowing the whole thing out of proportion and they never saw any of it
but if they did i dont ever want to see how theyd look at me after
or know that theyd know this shit
when i dont actually trust either of them to know it
i dont want egbert or my sister to know either
but at least
at least itd be a bit better if it was just them
horrifically worse also
but i do trust them

idk why im prevaricating when i know id throw myself on the sword every time but
i guess i kind of want there to be an option where i dont need to do that
dumb though it is

[doitrockapella]

And you think that if they know it, it'll change something about how they look at you. But it sounds like you might also be worried that they'll use it against you somehow? If you don't trust them with it?

[parodeity]

it will change things
and i dont trust certain people to not
let it slip to other people i guess
which isnt fair

its

you remember those nightmares last month
with peoples deepest fears
for the most part i managed to get out ok
people saw how i died sometimes
or how i had to fight a lot of monsters
but for the most part
they didnt see the thing that scares me more than anything else
and the people who caught glimpses of that i mostly managed to play off
but the thing i am worried about
is that deepest fear
that dictates everything i did back then
and everything i do now
ive never been the most open person i guess
and i dont
want people to see everything i am like some checklist
just a point on their journey to get all their memories back
either theyll care or they wont
and theyll let it slip or they wont
and theyll be able to move on
but its the thing i cant ever move on from

this all sounds so fucking dire lmao its not
its just
childhood fears
and how they define you
and how i at least dont want them to hurt everyone else

i want to try
to be okay
and to not hurt people
but i am not sure what the first step is
when i simultaneously want to keep certain things to myself
basically

i am going in circles here im sorry

[doitrockapella]

It's all right. You just reminded me of a quote from Buddha, actually — "It's better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours, and it cannot be taken from you."

Maybe this is out of line of me, but — it seems like what you have is a problem with no good solution. One possible way of addressing it is to try to find another solution. But maybe there's something to the idea of trying to change the problem?

You mentioned being defined by these fears, and I understand that. But I suppose the question I'm trying to ask is, what is it about them that keeps you from moving on?

[parodeity]

im not sure how to conquer them
there are certain things i cant look at without jumping or freezing
which is dumb and i hate it
but i guess mainly
even though i would like to conquer myself
im not sure where to start
is step one acknowledging how awful that all was because i checked that off
but i dont know what step two is
even though i talk about looking yourself in the eyes
i dont think its me i have to look in the face and accept and acknowledge
there are some things about it
that ill never have answers to
and theres someone ill never be able to speak to
about any of it
and thats maybe the person i most need to say things to
but even if i did that im not sure what would come next

maybe i should think of what id say if i could though
ive never really bothered to consider it

[doitrockapella]

I understand, believe me. There are some things that bother me the same way; I've gotten good at hiding them, but that doesn't mean they're not still there.

Here's another quote for you, though — "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." Maybe conquering yourself doesn't mean not being afraid, not jumping, not freezing. Maybe it's just holding out that one minute more and being able to say all right, this terrifies me, but now what?

You've acknowledged how awful it was. It's a part of you that won't go away. But I think there are quite a few more steps you need to go before you make it to "accept and acknowledge".

Maybe the next step is just to try putting into words the way that it makes you feel. Maybe the first step to confronting yourself is to try to better know yourself.

[parodeity]

what do you think i should do about everyone else in the meantime
if im like
working on the thing

1/2

[doitrockapella]

Cryogenically freeze them.

[doitrockapella]

(I hope that got you to smile.)

I think...there's only so much control you can have or hope to exercise over the situation. You can't categorically prevent their hallucinomemories, and you'll run yourself ragged trying to manage every aspect of their lives to keep from triggering them.

Of all the people you mentioned, who are you most afraid will find out the things you don't want them to find out?

[parodeity]

all of them but for different reasons
like i said i dont trust the trolls entirely rn

but the other two

id like
to maybe tell them on my own someday
or id like to think maybe someday ill be capable of that
and i dont want to do it like i did the last two times
in panic
because i had no other options

but maybe because i want to
and i dont want that to be taken away from me
maybe

2/2

[parodeity]

(also it did

i can only freeze ppl for 5 minutes tho)

[doitrockapella]

You could try writing them a letter, to begin with. You might find it easier to put it down on paper, where you can throw it out and edit it as many times as you want before you reach a finished product.

And who knows? Maybe at some point in the future when you're ready, you'll go back in time and leave it somewhere for them to find in the present.

[parodeity]

yeah maybe
i can only range about a week back and forth rn
and i dont know if ill be ready then

but
maybe itd help to say some of the things ive said to you
i dont really know

i kind of wish i didnt have any of these memories so i wasnt obligated to cut myself open for everyone to see
but i do
so i will

writing the world stuff down would be easier than saying it out loud though
mostly because
its bullshit and confusing

[doitrockapella]

If you ever need a place to get away, you can come and stay with me. For an hour, for a week, for a year, it doesn't matter.

It might not help keep people from remembering things. But it'd help keep you safe from having to confront them before you're ready to.

[parodeity]

[ oh. he hasn't had a place to run away to since yuri left, honestly. ]

thanks
if you ever want me to freeze time for you
i can
for five minutes but
like if you want

and thats not a bad point

thanks for talking to me carmen
i think i kind of know what i want to at least try to do now

[doitrockapella]

You have my permission to do it to keep me from falling in the water when I run the Ninja Warrior course. :)

(I have no intention of falling in but it never hurts to be prepared.)

You're feeling at least a little better, then? Less anxious?

[parodeity]

i think im willing to try to talk to john about it again
but i think maybe through text
because thats always a little easier

i do better with escape routes

[doitrockapella]

Don't we all.

Would you like to borrow Bustopher Jones for moral support?

[parodeity]

oh man you dont know about mewpac macklemeow
here

[ have a picture of a mutant kitten ]

[doitrockapella]

Mewpac Mackleme

does it have four eyes

[parodeity]

yeah she was created through genetic engineering i think
anyway isnt she the cutest little mutant monstrosity ever

[doitrockapella]

...did she come in the mail from retrospec

did they send you a mutant cat in the mail

[parodeity]

last month she showed up following my roommate around
but we both remember her
my sister does too
so
probably they sent us a mutant cat

[doitrockapella]

Now I'm furious that their building has been replaced by a waffle house so I can't storm it and figure out where they're keeping all these animals before they MAIL THEM to people.

[parodeity]

actually
i dont think theyre keeping them anywhere